Welcome One and All.

The majesty of the Hedge is often overlooked in modern society, however, over this splendid piece of technology named 'The Internet' I will strive to right these wrongs and bring a bit of hedgerow into your everyday life.
It is a simple hope, but a passionate one.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Hedge Study No. 3

First of all, let me say: Hello again.
Now, back to Golly.
Well, this seems to be quite a large Hedge as I'm sure you deduced. Not only that, but its one of those new-fangled bumpy Hedges.Now as I was so impressed by this feat of Hedgery I dabbled into some research about that there Hedge, and found out that it is located in a 'secret' location within Dorset. It is the oldest Yew Hedge in the world.
But, this leads me to a slightly different trail of thought, why is the Hedge being kept secret?
If they wanted a secret Hedge, I would probably make it a tad smaller.
And why do you want a secret Hedge anyway? The majesty of the Hedge should be shared like a foliage-based STI.
This is why people believe in conspiracies. So, without further ado, this is my own personal list on possible reasons why a secret Hedge is being contained within lovely Dorset.
-Its not a Hedge at all, but in fact a testing ground for a new type of Morgue. (I'm not sure why 'Morgue' needs a capital letter but it does.)
- We are becoming prepared for the Great Hedge War, this Hedge will act as our main defensive Hedge (But not the only one)
- If set on fire, the Hedge will become that Jesus bloke.
-It never existed and in fact it was just all propaganda urging citizens to kill shelves. Or summat.

Thats a pretty poor list.
Perhaps we'll never know the meaning of the 'secret Hedge' but we can dream.
Hope that satisfied you, I'm off (Lepers to kick, Faces to traumatise)
Adios my brethren.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

The Innate Evil of the Everyday Bush

One of the most important rules of Hedgeology is that just because it has leaves which are all clumped together, DOES NOT MAKE IT A HEDGE.
The time has come, I'm afraid, to learn about the sin of the bush.
At such a moment as this one, an analogy would become very useful. The bush is to the Hedge what Roman Catholics are to rationality. Thats not a very deep analogy but it is an angry one.
Many people feel the need to decorate their gardens with these bushes and they may even cut them into amusing shapes.
Look at this one, some idiot has carved a face into the bush to make it appear friendly and normal. Do not be convinced.
All bushes have ulterior motives in their pitiful survival. To become everyone's favourite decorate member of the plant Kingdom. It is truly sick, the lengths they will go to so that they can be accepted into Society.
Now, I never did a degree in modern History, but I think I am safe in saying the Nazis used bushes in their propaganda.
Something along the lines of 'Grow a bush for the Fuhrer' or 'Hide from Communism.....In a bush!'
Is this not proof, that any bush is never to be trusted, and in no circumstance should you give one your pin number.
Golly, is that the time? I'm missing Alan Titchmarsh's guide to Garrotting.
See you next sunrise.
(Unless the bushes get you)

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Hedge Study No. 2

Well Then.
Today's specimen is one of those there 'natural Hedges', some maniacs would call them 'Hedgerows'.
They're Wrong.
This type of Hedge is simply the primal Hedge, without any difficult wants or needs. It's not particularly neat or tidy, but it is certainly Green. 
This is the common Hedge in places such as the countryside, or France. (Some people would argue Switzerland, but I see no correlation.)
If I were the Hedge Minister of Britain (Please.....Please...) I would spice this Hedge up by introducing a flat top which would really bring out the Leaf tone.
So to summarise not bad, but room for improvement. ITS NOT A HEDGEROW.
I love a good Hedge in the morning.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Hedge Study No.1

I thought that as this is Hedge No. 1 I would choose a fairly regular, normal Hedge to start us off with. As you can see this is a well-kept Hedge, you could say : Tidy. As you are so observant I'm sure you will have noticed that this Hedge is green. This is the case for the majority of Hedges, BUT NOT ALL.
During my time serving in Vietnam, I saw many Hedges which were green, but they weren't as tidy as this particular one. Shame Really.
There is also another specific feature which I will pick up on, this Hedge is slightly curved. In Hedgeology we call these Hedges 'Curved Hedges' (If it helps to remember that, try and think of a Hedge, which is Curved)
I would also say that the Hedge is a tad taller than your run of the mill Hedge.

Well then, my little fledgling Hedgling, that concludes today's session.
Stay alert and don't compromise your knowledge.
Good Eve.

Monday, 24 January 2011

An Introduction.

Are you sitting comfortably?    Good.
In this first post, I shall introduce my aims of this blog and what you can expect by visiting it.
Hedgeology, as it is known among us scholars, is the specific study of Hedges. Many people believe this to be a 'Highbrow' subject, but if that is the case, how come there was once a McDonald's television advertisement that featured a Hedge?
The simple truth is that Hedges are for everyone and no-one is too dirty or 'unclean' to be able to appreciate this. Through the medium of this blog I will show you some of my favourite Hedges, some historical Hedges, and the Hedges that we know and love when we see them everyday of our meaningless lives. We will (hopefully) understand the implications of these Hedges and how they can enlighten our lives.
We will also cover the evils of bushes and 'Fedges' (All will be explained)
So, let us travel into the world of high-quality natural barriers.

Won't you Join me?